VOL I

For those of you who have been following my Landmark Saga, or perhaps not... In late July, my boss made our small office staff of 6 sit around the table in her office with 2 people at the head, from Landmark - an organization you could easily google that seems to be Dr. Phil on crack on some bogus self-help-find-your-inner-potential bs. Although completely unprofessional, the Landmark represenatatives began to poke and prod into our personal lives, to the horror of the unsuspecting staff, including myself. Topics like weight loss, marital problems, and nasty divorces were the subject of scrutiny, as the heavy-set black woman in the front prodded and picked at our responses with a thick alabama accent - eventually getting people to admit they were sloths, bad listeners, bitter, arrogant, bad breathed, horrrible lays, etc. Ok, so I am prone to some exaggeration, but the inappropriateness was real, as I struggled to find something that wasn't too incriminating or too embarassing to share with my colleagues, as the corpulant woman bullied more answers out of me.

You see, my boss had done this three-day seminar and felt her life had changed remarkably and wanted the rest of the staff to "speak the same language." I danced around the fact I had my own epiphany a month earlier and was studying like a beast for the GRE, promising myself I would not be employed here next year. But in the end, I threw the woman a bone and told her I felt I didnt read enough, which morphed into not being intellectually challenged, which she somehow felt was an indicator of a fear of failure. Whatever. Some people shared too much, and we all felt a little dirty in the end for having been forced, unknowingly to share private information and be publicly judged. All the while, my boss sat there, observant as all hell.

At the end of the session, the woman sat there, immovable, waiting for us to sign up for the three-day event. Their tactic is that one should seize the moment to get your life together, and reluctance to sign up would only reinforce the reason why you needed them even more. The three day sessions are from 8 am to 10pm, with one 90 min break for dinner and a few breaks for snacks. These "forums" are held in a hotel in central jersey, and you had to stay in the same hotel, with limited contact to the outside world. The tuition is 700, and the bill was being footed by my boss (gee, i wonder how her boss would feel about that). I selected the September 12th session with the idea I would just cancel later on, or maybe just show up for the firday event to get out ofthe office and then not go back :)

But as this weekend approached, I had been hit with commitment after commitment, to the point where i have only been to my house to sleep and wonder if there were maggots in the trash, and if so, could they water my plants. So as my boss sat across the desk from the Monday before, I told her I planned on rescheduling the date. She coyly looks down at her hands and says, can I suggest something, just go. THere will always be something, you will always have plans. You need to just go. I searched quickly in my head for a reason, and blurted out I was writing and couldnt screw up my muse with this event. She waved it off, it will make you an even better writer. This was getting creepy, and she totally dismissed my personal responisbilities. I told her I would think about it to get her out of my office and thought that was that.

When the Landmark people called on Wednesday, I told them I needed to reschedule and they told me they enrollment manager would call me back. She never did. Thursday came and went, and Thursday night, as I am dodging through traffic on Route 1 on my way to dinner, I get a call from my boss. I instinctively answer, as a whole host of tragedies scrolled through my head. I didnt get to see you before you left the office and I wanted to wish you luck on your first day of Landmark tomorrow. Her voice was almost melodic. I knew it well, she used the same voice to bargain with the deli next door to get a price reduction on the bagels we ordered for events. I flatly responded that I wasn't going, really angry at myself picking up the call. "The person never returned my call, but I planned on rescheduling." Her tune quickly changed, Really? They told ME the YOU were being unresponsive. Where did the sweetness go? My patience broke and told her I was driving and would call her back.

Twenty minutes later, as I cozied up in the booth with a good friend from London and perused the wine list, my phone goes off. What's going on? You have not called. Sorry lady, but from 9 to 5 I am your biatch. At 7:30 pm - not so much. Another call 20 minutes later, which i of course ignored, had me teeming with fury. But I composed myself and went back to banter and my scallops. Now, since she was clearly effing with my time, i decided to respond in kind with a text at 11:30 PM explaining I would be in the office tomorrow, Friday, September 12th. I planned everything I was going to say from beginning to end on the ride to work, only to find out she wasnt coming into work today.

I called Landmark to let them know I needed to reschedule, when the burly woman picks up. I can tell from her breathing she wasnt happy and was sniffing me out over the phone. Like the big old dinosaur in Jurrassic park where the people had to stand still. She asked why I wasnt coming and when I explained, she said, I know your boss wont mind if you dont go into work today and come here instead. I repeated I called to reschedule not to come in. She asked why I hadnt called earlier, or returned my bosses calls. She made me aware she was siiting next to my boss last night when she had called, and she said they had tried to reach out to me a lot. My patience was wearing thin as it were, and I began to repeat that her minion never called in my you-effing-annoying-me voice when she cuts in and says. I know you, you went to Princeton. Did you you go to Princeton to make excuses? I blacked. Ghettoness erupted out of my mouth as my neck snapped and I said EXCUSE ME??? I dont give excuses. I dont remember all that I said in its exactness, although I am tempted to write some craziness. All I know was I was brief, loud and asked exactly who I needed to speak to change and then hung up on her ass as soon as she gave me the 10th digit.

Clearly, it turns out my boss has a part-time and I am on a full-fledge hunt for new employment.